So, unbeknown to whomever may be reading this, Reading Week recently started, and to commemorate the event, myself and several friends decided to circle jerk our way down to the farthest possible university.
As you can clearly make out from my title, this is the morning after, and I’d be lying if I didn’t say it was one of the best damn nights of my life. While I would love to say WHAT exactly we did yesterday, in actuality I really wouldn’t. Let’s just say that seeing a lot of friends after a looooooooooong time was the biggest thrill for a lot of us, and that cowboy gay sex is incredibly strange and natural at the same time. BUT ONLY IF THEY HAVE BLONDE HAIR.
As I lie in this neck crippling position over a pile of human flesh that my friends were too cowardly to finish eating, I notice several coins on the floor. I plan to steal them. FUCK everyone woke up, never mind that plan is moot.
Come to think of it, I probably shouldn’t have worn these same clothes to bed that I wore ALL of yesterday. This includes during the smelly as 4 hour trip I had to take that was simply much much much much longer than it needed to be. If only we could build that god damn time traveling flying building, shit would be a hell-of-a lot easier to ge places. Which nicely segways and not awkwardly at all breaking the pace into my topic for today!
Why a time traveling flying building would be as good as an organic dildo
1. Everything that flies is awesome. Eg., Falcons, Starfox, God, etc.
2. It would be more awesome than the time traveling DeLorean. One can only imagine; Instead of going at 88 mph, a dangerously high speed for a durface street I might add, Why not simply jump from the top of a floating building? It’s brilliant!
3. It will be able to give your enemies cancer. But the curable kind, so it’s A-O-K!
4. It will know kung-fu.
5. I will name it Jeefer.
That’s all I got for that portion. Or at least it’s all I put down before getting somewhat sidetracked by the rest of the internet.
I recently came across a topic which has been the subject of many forums online in certain sites which I will never state, at fear of getting targeted by pissing some random folks off.
Basically, there’s a human. This chap, has sung a song to a group of children, and then sung an inappropriate one by himself (using swear words and whatnot, thank FUCKING CUNTS that nobody else does that kind of stuff and makes it available to anyone on the internet including children), and then edited the two videos together for some quick lulz.
He is now facing 20 years in prison, to which I can only reply : WTF!?
I have a defense planned out for him right now:
Chap: I don’t see what I did wrong…
Prosecution: You don’t see what you did wrong!? You went ahead and EDITED a video of yourself to make it LOOK like you were singing inappropriate phrases to children! How dare you sir! This is AMURICA, where people get shot and apologize for ruining the bullet!
Chap: So you mean I can’t PRETEND to say sexual innuendoes and phrases around children? Kinda like how they actually did say them in front of the kiddies in the episode of friends where phoebe sings about sex to younguns, or that movie Clerks with the scene where he orders possibly the most obscene list of pornos in front of a child, OR EVERY SECOND GOD DAMN EPISODE OF MADtv!? How is this any different?
Prosecution:…..Oh it’s different….
Chap: How?
Prosecution: I wasn’t eating ice cream when I watched yours.
Chap: WTF
We know the only real reason this poor guy is actually getting booked is because he went ahead and posted it on the interwebs, and it didn’t make it to t.v. first. As soon as something hits the internet first, it instantly becomes dirty and covered in Hitler’s jizz, is that it?
In addition, a day I’ve long awaited has finally come to life: Fox News is coming to Canada! I be able to listen to right wing liberal nutjob bias about Canadian issues! I’ll be able to hear the CANADIAN opinion on how EXACTLY videogames will turn the child I will have according to Fox News’s opinion on teenagers into a raging homophobic pedochild! I will also learn how per se how rap music is destroying society as we know it.
I haven’t shat in 48 HOURS
JP
Only title better than, is Bulletstorm the Worst Game Ever Made, is Bulletstorm made my Ten-Year-Old Son a Rapist.
Oh Fox news, How I love your 100% accuracy rate with…well…everything.
Thank goodness they warned me about the explicit sex scenes in Mass “erect” on the “SE” X-Box which could have possibly destroyed my future.
Thank you Fox News. It’s people like you that make us realize how smart Palin is.
^This song is like sex^
I’m fairly positive to get the link, you must click on the title. Or something of the sort. You figure it out.
Well I do believe it’s time for another post.
I was conversing with my friends on religion, modern day medicine, and Justin Bieber. All touchy subjects; I know. Well, at least medicine and Bieber are.
None the less after said conversation the topics left me needing closure, which is why I’ve decided to discuss the biggest issue on my mind over the internet with the 20 sum-odd people who have stumbled upon this blog. 5 of which are likely unspecified-istan activists, 3 of which are ancient mole people waiting for me to sleep, and 12 of which are likely views by me and my friends. OR ENEMIES (I know you’re out there Timothy. Watching and waiting. I know.).
Why farting on an airplane is more satisfying than farting anywhere else.
We all know the action. The cutting of the cheese. The passing of the gas. The shooting of the prisoner. The explosion of the bomb. The harbringer of death. All terms for one thing: Farting.
But what is it that makes the location of an airplane that makes the act of said horrid release that makes it oh so pleasurable? What makes it tick? Or rather seep out? Well friends and Timothy, I do believe I’ve found the reasons. So plant yourself in the pile of bones conveniently placed on your left foot, and prepare to feel your brain cells be replaced with candy. Cause of death? Diabeetus. aaaaaaaallllllllllllrrrrrrriiiiiiiggggghhhhhhhttttt.
It’s not the action that contributes the most to the satisfaction. Granted, the elevated height gives a different feel, dare I say unique, but is not the cause of our joy. It is the post-release that is.
For you see, it’s similar to any enclosed space gas release.
Imagine, if you will, that you have in your hand, a gas mask, and in your other hand, poison gas. Amongst you are terrorists. The terrorists don’t know you are a normal person. What do you do?
The situation is similar to this and different at the same time. As with the previous situation, yes it is in an enclosed space, but there is more. Allow me to elaborate in point form:
-you are stuck in this enclosed place for hours, possibly days.
-due to the rumble of the engine, no one will hear it, so the release can be as boistrous as nature intended. The equivalent to a flying ninja.
-The satisfaction of know, you weren’t simply ruining the elevator ride of a few paltry citizens, but a hefty sum of folks which can include: Actors, terrorists(again), air marshalls, air hostesses, civilians, and even the pilot.
-When looking at the person beside you, on account of how everyone loves the smell of their own gas (with very few exceptions ie. taco bell pre-dysentery attacks), you can pretend as though you sense nothing, and the person beside you will slowly go mad for the entire plane ride…
-In relation to a previous point, you may prevent a terrorist attack
-when you lean to release, since you’re in the air, it may feel like you’re flying due to the expulsion
-It will give you suprepowers
-You will become immune to sickness
-The stench will not seem like it’s following you, because the plane is moving, so it is simply circulated throughout.
-Each time is unique, so you can have fun with it!
In conclusion, The above reasons out why reading the necronomicon whilst listening to Justin Bieber will give you gingivitis.
Everyone has inner demons. Only difference here is I made them my bitch.
JP
Purpose of the picture? I hadn’t used it yet.
For the first time ever, I find myself writing this blog and simultaneously pressed for time. Why? Because a pizza is on the way, and I gotta go pick it up. That, and there is a tiny gopher breaking through my wall with a legion of 56 demons under is wrath-filled fist of lust and pride whilst sipping down a margarita out of your mother’s preposterously large foot dimple.
That, and we got a new tv for the room, and I probably gotta help with setting that all up.
Speaking of which, it’s here!
Bad timing…
JP
(the asterisks add effect, as nobody knows what could be in them…..meh he he……mwa ha……HA HA HA HA HA…….Shit, forgot the punchline of “exccept for me. You know what, this is a satisfactorily (surprised that’s a word) long bracket to explain the title. You double cow turd know what? I THINK I’LL KEEP IT GOING BITCHES.
That’s right, This will be the biggest explanation that deviated entirely from the explanation for anything EVER because it will contain paragraphs, slightly okay grammar, and a plot!
But in reality there is no plot.
unless you can find a plot.
That’d be pretty fuckin awesome.
But I can’t.
So fuck you.
It’s been quite some time since I previously posted, which one could consider a good thing because it means I’ve been having a life.
So the confines of these four walls whilst atop my porcelain throne with a shit half way out seems like an appropriate place+time to write. At least until the mole people attack. Fuckin mole people. They always attack when you’re week. Like when you’re shitting, showering, masturbating, and attempting to bend in such a way that you can……never mind.
OR UN-NEVER MIND!!!!!!!!! ZOMG REALLY BAD WORD PLAY!!! MORE LIKE PENIS PLAY (hint of unmentioned content)!!!
my laptop is low on batteries, so I’ll finish this post later.
OR WILL I - no ya, I definitely will.
OKAY!
So! I’ve finally finished wiping my ass (four days later, you should have seen the turd)(on second thought maybe you wouldn’t want to)(On third thought I don’t think I wanted to either…. perhaps that’s why I carved out my fourth eye)
But seeing as I took so long to finish this post, why not simply start a new one? MWA HA HA!
Not really sincerely
JP
George and Jonathan - Out With My Girlfriends
Not exactly sure why I suddenly got into these guys; but I’m obssessed. They’re also nice enough to put all their music up for free on their site. In addition, they have possibly the best album name: The best music. I seriously just want that album to be the soundtrack to my life.
Here’s the site if you wanna download their album; It doesn’t take long, and it’s worth it!
After reading the title, I’d like you to quell your sexual urges and attempt to survive through another post. Should you be unable to do so, you may find your computer screen covered in semen. That isn’t yours.
I’d like to say something about my day, but the truth was, it really wasn’t too eventful. Aside from the fct tht I got the bright idea to write a post toda. Wow. This is the high point of my day. I might cry. Or poop. Or combine the two like I usually do.
Today, I will talk about my dreams. The ones, that don’t include robo-cop with a long iron rod that he…. nevermind.
I’ll finish later, as I’m writing on a buddy’s laptop atm. Peace.
k, approximately 3 hours later I’m back, and am frankly surprisedthat I was about to write based on a suggestion my friend gave me. That meant I was writing for the sake of writing, and not because I was bored. OH THE SHAME!
Because of this horrendous fact, I can’t speak of my dreams with the sole purpose of denying my buddy the pleasure of seeing that his outrageous amount of peer pressure (him saying “write about a dream”) I can’t write about a dream in this blog. THE FIEND!
On another note, I’ve really gotten into indie music; particularly indie rock. not sure what it is, but it’s probably the cleanliness of how it sounds. Not to mention it’s incredibly chill, and just all round sounds awesome. BUT HEED MY WORDS: I will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever become a hipster. I don’t really have much against them, but I’ve simply made too much fun of them in the past to not consider myself a hypocrite should I turn into one. So just appreciating their music will do it for me.
Double side note combo breaker, Finally got some downtime for the first time in weeks. I think this calls for a celebration: Porn.
Don’t disturb me for like, 30 min,
JP
k, so, basically, this isn’t a super uber post, but rather a post that should be on a normal tumblr blog.
Basically, a few moment ago, I became obsessed with chiptunes, I figured I’d make a list of bands I must get hold of the music of. However, seeing as I will definitely lose the list on my pc/desk, I’ve decided to make one online.
-Anamanaguchi
-George @ Jonathan
-Starscream (when they actually release)
-Glomag
-IAYD
-Nullsleep
and pretty much everything on 8bitpeoples that I haven’t already mentioned.
Yet another long day fellow peeps. I thought about starting a new blog, but I’ve already poured so much into this one, that I genuinely couldn’t be bothered to start another. Especially considering that I - OH FUCK THE ANCIENT MOLE PEOPLE ARE RALLYING OUTSIDE!!!!
(be back)
Well, it seems to be that time of the week again, when i inconspicuously put of work in order to…well…not work….
Essentially, I’ve reached the state I was in for about 90% of high-school. That ultimate combination of boredom, exhaustion, fear of work, and guilt of playing instead of doing work I have to do. Blogging state. Or masturbating state. Or video-gaming state for that matter.
In addition, it’s also like the old days in the sense that I don’t really know what I want to say in this post, as I’m writing with the sole purpose of avoiding doing work. I guess I’ll just go into random topics about yours truly.
At the time of writing this, I’m chilling in my room. Literally. It’s freezing in here, as I left the window open. The alternative is possibly melting in heat that can only be compared to the warmth in between a fat man’s unnaturally grown breasts. Alas, I have conditioned myself to survive in said in said environment. My dorm is stocked full of air fresheners, sweaters, flannel shirts, and dead polar bears. What could possibly be better for insulation than bears? Especially the endangered ones.
Endangered animals. Can’t get enough of them. What I seem to love about all their situations is that they only become endangered in order to prevent another species from reaching said state. That or they just taste really good. (sorry I didn’t free you Willy, but whale blubber never tasted so good)
I guess one could say it’s not just the animal kingdom that rule applies to, but society in general. To quote the drunk creeper I met next to a dumpster one frightening Thursday evening “Ya gotta wipe your ass with one hand and eat with the other. That way, you ain’t never gotta wash, and you keep more water.”
“*gurgle*”
The gurgle was me throwing up, as I went home and later and found that by shaking the wrong hand of that man, I received 43 bacterial infections.
But the horrid youth of yesterday had a point; Nothing good in life ever occurs without some sort of sacrifice, be it something major, menial, even time itself.
I’m gonna take a minute away from whatever I was speaking of to mention that firefox spell check corrected me when I wrote “colour,” but thought that when I wrote “nothinggood” it was perfectly a-ok. LOL TECH FAIL
Even that small blurb above required me to kill the flow of what I was saying. But that shit is essentially trade-off. Something I learned from economics as a matter of fact.
Speaking of economics, I recently had my exam for said class, which I did AWESOME in. I really am enjoying my classes in university.
Speaking of which, the thing I’m avoiding working on atm is my business project. Essentially, I have to go on for a page on how awesome something is. Kinda like what I do on this blog. I would say more, but I hear way too many horror stories of people getting expelled and shit for putting too much stuff on their blog/fb etc. and we all know what that leads to: suprize but secks; The worst possible situation for any male in the universe to be in.
Why universe? Mainly because it’s fun to believe in aliens and the sort, simply because it makes life interesting. Of course, deep down I’m quite aware that aliens aren’t real, but the possibility just makes life more fun. Just like the idea of Santa Claus, Toothfairy, and all the other woodland creatures of our fucked up minds which I’ve failed to mention.
In the heart of hearts, all of society always knew that these fictional figures never truly existed. Not sure why, but the thought of an obese man wearing an abomination of an outfit working only one day of the year, enslaving millions of little people, attempting to enforce a facist rule of what is right and wrong on the entire world with cruelty to animals (that too, most likely endangered, as I’m positive flying reindeer let alone a flying reindeer with a red nose) under is belt too, all the while not getting charged for a single crime. Or how about the thought of a thumb-size human breaking and entering, only to defy physics and pull out values of cash that he/she couldn’t have physically had on their person, and defy physics once more by taking a tooth from underneath a pillow with an over sized weight (a head) on top? Fucking Arnold Schwarzengerman can’t pull that shit off. Here’s a rainbow.
It’s not real either.
Despite all this, we liked and wanted to believe in them, mainly because, simply put, reality is boring.
What is so grand about movies? Video games? Books, stories, puzzles, songs and all the other allegedly menial things that make up our day-to-day routines are all there with the sole purpose of taking our minds off of one thing. Everything else.
When we hear a story, we wish it were real. Adventures, dramas, hell even porn, we can call them a lot of things, but there’s one thing we can’t call them. Boring. We watch them, and instantly realize that they’re completely fake, but we wish everyday that we wake up that we could be one of those protagonists (at least one of the protagonists with a happy ending (not the kind you get from a great massage(okay maybe that kind too)))
On that joyous note, I’m gonna go ahead and force myself to post, as I could type pages more. That and I totally lost my trend of thought.
(Insert retarded/witty comment here)
JP
The longer I put off things in reality, the longer I believe I can still do them.
